Count on the Metalocalypse
by The Great Allie
Summary: Could the fabled Metalocalypse be referring to the Void called forth by the Dark Prognosticus? No. But the raw power of Death Metal is speeding up it's power to end all worlds, and when the Count's minions get sucked into Mordland, it must be stopped.
1. Back in Bleck

_I'd just like to say that the entire idea for this story was based off of how Nastasia and Ofdensen reminded me of each other._

_I gotta tell ya, in the first few in-between chapters of Super Papes I was terrified of that woman. Nothing could stop her, and she knew it, and she was so casual about it. Then later on you saw another side of her and she was more humanized than before, so she was less bone-crunchingly horrifying. On the other hand you've got Ofdensen, who's also in a generic office job for an organization that's bigger than you can understand, who out of nowhere it turns out he can break the arm of a guy twice his size and stab him with his own knife, fence on top of a gargoyle, send people to their deaths with a smirk- and still be so freaking casual. And as the episodes go on, you see he's got so much more going on inside of him that he's less terrifyingly unstoppable and more... human, I suppose._

_In the continuity of the show, all the cuss language is written out as a guitar riff. They read like (riff). This is partially to imitate the source material and partially to cop a T rating so it shows up without any settings. I'm not wimping out on typing cusses, I'm just trying to mix an M rated source with a K+ rated source. As such, there will also only be amusing cartoon violence._

_Speaking of which, the "Mario" bit is actually from my series "The Count's World," if you haven't gotten here from there. I explain it somewhere in my profile...  
_

_And so. From there, I give you: Count on the Metalocalypse, starring Count Bleck's Minions and Dethklok. And then some, I assure you._  
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**

One happy three in the morning, a visitor came to Castle Bleck. Castle Bleck didn't really have that many visitors, given that it was positioned in a dimension so isolated as to be completely impenetrable to everyone. That, of course, wasn't the case, but the fact still remained that it was made to keep people away.

Count Bleck was aware of the visitor because their security system from Episode 9 alerted him to any inter-dimensional activity happening on the grounds after he set it, and it was programmed to wake him up in the most annoying way possible. Count Bleck was not a good sleeper, so it took him a while to lift his head out and mutter a coherent, "just let Count Bleck shut off this alarm..."

By the time he was sitting up, Tippi was wide awake. She was sitting on the pillow next to him, watching him with her antennae cocked slightly. "Do you want me to get it?" she asked.

"As master of this castle, it falls to me," said Count Bleck. "I'm surprised anyone is awake at this hour," he added as he staggered out of the room, weaving as he floated.

"Are _you _even awake?" she called after him.

Just down the hallway, an idea occurred to him, and he warped directly to the front door. He opened it and said, "Greetings from Castle Bleck!" before he saw it was Merlon who was standing on the front step. "Oh, good morning, Merlon."

"May I speak with you? It's urgent."

"It must be," said Count Bleck, "for you to come calling so late... or early... which is it, Bleck wonders?"

"It depends," replied Merlon, brushing past the Count. He had a thick, white book tucked under his arm. It took Count Bleck about nine of Merlon's paces in front of him for it to click that he was carrying the Light Prognosticus, the book that countered the Dark Prognosticus from opening the Void to End All Worlds. Count Bleck was still keeping the dark version squirreled away somewhere, although he couldn't exactly remember where this early.

In the next intersection, they crossed pathways with Dimentio, who was holding a Cooking Mistake.

"Good morning, Count," said Dimentio.

"Well, there you go," said Merlon to Count Bleck.

"I was attempting to prepare myself a delicacy to settle my oh-so-ravenous appetite." He gestured to the dish. "Unfortunately, I don't seem to be a well-versed chef."

"Feed it to Charlotte," said Count Bleck.

"Such was my plan." He disappeared.

Count Bleck led Merlon into the study. Right away Merlon opened the Light Prognosticus to the middle. "This is a magic book," he said. "Not all of his contents are available at all times. These passages were recently made available to me... I dread to know, but have you been following your Prognosticus?"

"Thank you for asking, I have not," replied Count Bleck.

"I didn't mean to imply that you were using it- only wondering if you were keeping up with any of its dark prophecies."

"I assumed you were giving me the benefit of the doubt."

"Could you bring that dreadful tome to me?" Merlon asked. "It may give information as to what is happening. This book only instructs how to stop it."

"Yyyyyyes, very well. Count Bleck will return momentarily-"

As Count Bleck rose, Dimentio appeared above him so as soon as Bleck was standing, Dimentio was standing on his hat. He held up the Dark Prognosticus and smirked. "It was at the base of your cape hamper."

Merlon raised an eyebrow.

"I hide it in fresh places periodically," the Count explained sheepishly. "It seems I can't hide it from everyone."

Count Bleck took the book from Dimentio. As he lay his hand on it, Dimentio leaned next to the Count's face and whispered, "If you stare too long into the abyss, my Count, you'll find the abyss staring back into you."

"The same to you," Count Bleck replied. He opened the book to the last available page: "It says here that the Seven who seek to undo evil will be sucked into evil itself. Five will stand tall to bring about the Void, and the clash will be like none seen before. No one will survive."

"Mine says that before the Five call the Void, the Seven will have a chance to enter a world unlike any seen before by them."

"Will they use the Chaos Heart?" asked Count Bleck.

"The Chaos Heart is the very embodiment of the void," replied Merlon. "The Void cannot exist without the Heart being summoned."

"The Chaos Heart was banished after the Pure Hearts were gathered..." Count Bleck traced the ancient text carefully. "The Pure Hearts are waiting to be needed again, traveling along waves of pure love... but what of the Chaos Heart?"

"It, too, is waiting," said Dimentio in his usual eerily cheerful way. "It lies in wait quietly, waiting to be summoned by a heart empty of all love and compassion."

"Thank, you, Dimentio."

Dimentio bowed.

"Now then."

Merlon spoke: "'A fair and lovely princess... A furious monster king... The union of these two will call forth the Chaos Heart, the consumer of worlds... And the Chaos Heart will ravage the sky, and so bring forth The Void.' So read the passage that initially summoned the Chaos Heart. Of course you found the very embodiment of the characters described in the passage. As I study more and more of these old texts, I realize the reason that the union of Peach and Bowser could summon the heart. Purity and Chaos cannot exist together. Uniting the pair in sacred matrimony set off a terrible reaction that could not exist in any world."

"Someone ought to tell that to Bowser."

Merlon chuckled. "If Pure Good and Pure Evil, purity and chaos, ever come together, it could mean the end of everything."

Count Bleck let that process in his mind. "So... we must separate purity and chaos before they combine and end everything?"

Merlon shook his head. "If this prophecy is accurate... they already have."


	2. How to Get Things Done

**Chapter II- How To Get Things Done**

If you were to ask any employee of the Dethklok franchise what Charles Ofdensen's job was, boy, they'd tell you: He's the manager of the band, their legal counsel and Chief Financial Officer. Because of his guidance they have been able to flourish into the empire they were today, and it was his perspective that kept them flourishing and safe from the greedy, avaricious outside world.

If you were to ask him, though, in a private and casual setting, and assuming he'd give you any answer at all, which he wouldn't... Anyway, he'd glare at you from his seat, slouching with his head on his hand, and say, "Manager? I'm their (riff)ing babysitter." He'd remove his glasses, take a long drink, and then straighten up and get back to work. Truth be told, he'd been their manager for a long time, and it was wearing on him.

It was just so hard to protect people who didn't seem to _want _to be protected. They loved being obscenely rich but didn't want to do anything that made them that way. Getting them to the recording studio or on stage at a concert was like pulling teeth. They wasted money like there was no tomorrow. It took a military worth of protection just to keep the outside world at bay without idiots on the inside refusing to believe that the laws of physics and logic applied to them.

Ofdensen was one of the most powerful men in the world, and he was tired.

Dethklok wasn't tired. They had no idea how much work it took to keep them alive. They actively seemed to be killing themselves, doing dangerous things and drinking their bodies to death.

Three hours earlier he had gone into the lounge, where Dethklok was instead of the recording room. Toki was playing a shooting game on one of the arcade machines. Murderface was passed out in his underwear on the couch, and Pickles and Nathan were drawing on him with a Sharpie. Skwisgaar was noodling on his guitar, oblivious to everything but hollow, steel music he was making.

Ofdensen had been holding a stack of papers. "Guys, can I, ah, talk to you?"

"Nah," said Pickles.

"It's really very important," Ofdensen said.

"Yeah, we're busy," Nathan told him. Nathan was busy, all right, writing I HAVE A GAY DICK on Murderface's outer thigh.

Conveying priorities to the boys was never easy, but it was his job to try. "Look," he said, "we all have to do things that we'd rather not. I think that a few hours each day doing something you seem to otherwise enjoy is a fair trade for the life of... excessive luxury you seem to enjoy."

It went in one ear and out the other.

"Dood, check this out." Pickles began to doodle something on Murderface's face.

"You do realize that this is where your money comes from, don't you?" Ofdensen continued. "You know, performing? Recording? Playing the, ah, guitar?... Guys?"

He was being thoroughly ignored.

"Come on, let's go. Right now. Into the studio. _Let's_ go."

No reaction.

"I have seven feet," he announced in the same tone of voice.

"Yeah, after this," said Nathan. He drew a tic-tac-toe grid on Murderface and took the first move.

Ofdensen sighed and left the room. He hadn't really expected them to give in without a fight, and he wasn't in the mood for one. He leaned on the stone wall of the hallway and looked at the wall across from him. "So, wall," he said, "How about moving a few inches backwards? Hm? Wall?"

There was another reason that he was so tired. There were people in the world, an underground organization- or perhaps many organizations- who wanted Dethklok stopped, wanted them dead, and the more he learned about them, the less sure he was that he could protect his boys.

Meanwhile, back in the lounge, they had grown bored of drawing on Murderface. Now they were just sort of there, trying to figure out what awesome thing they wanted to do next.

"Oh, hey, guys," Nathan said, out of nowhere. "He's right, actually. We, uh, we need to... about the concert, you know?"

"Ja, we gets to it," said Skwisgaar.

"No, I mean, I was just on the Internet, like, yesterday, or last week, or something," Nathan continued. "And there was totally something there that I thought would be, like, the most brutal thing ever for us to do at the show that's coming up."

"Like, what kind of brutal?" Pickles was skeptical. "Like, guts-ripped-out brutal, or eternal-darkness-cavern brutal, or, like, your ex-girlfriend Rebecca brutal...?"

"No, like, even better. I figured out how to summon creatures from another dimension. We could totally get a whole bunch of monsters to be at our next concert. No band has ever done that before. We'd be the first."

Toki's eyes widened. "You learns to do dat on the Internet?"

"Yeah, no, they have, like, everything on the Internet now," said Pickles to Toki. "Like, I was on there yesterday and I saw everything. The whole Internet."

"Wait, really?" said Nathan.

"Yeah. Whole Internet."

"So did you see my livejournal?"

"No," said Pickles. "I did not. Because your livejournal sucks ass."

"It does not! It is the most brutal livejournal on the whole livejournal... site... thing."

"Nah, man, Cornerstone 54 has the most brutal livejournal."

"What? You just made that up."

"Hand to Gahd, it's true."

"Nuh-uh."

"You're lying."

"Yes, I am. Dood, I didn't see the whole internet. That's, like, physically impossible."

"Wuh-" Nathan was shocked. "I can't believe you would just lie to me like that. That's a major blow, man, I might need a minute with that."

Pickles shrugged. "That's how it is."

Meanwhile, Skwisgaar, staring at his fingers moving across the frets of his guitar, now scoffed. "Ja. You don'ts see the whole insternet, and Nate'ns can't summon thingies from other dim-enst-skons. Both of dems is unpossibles."

Nathan stood up. "No way! I even tried it! Only, actually, no I didn't. But I'm going to. Right now."

Toki stood up too. "Can I come watch?"

"No. You have to stay here."

"Dood, can I come?" asked Pickles.

"Sure."

"Awesome."

"How come he gets to go and I has to stay here?"

"Because you suck," said Pickles.

"It's trues," said Skwisgaar. "You do sucks pretty bads."

Toki threw a tiny little hissy fit and stormed out. Skwisgaar chuckled. "Now he cries likes de little baby and runs away to his room. Run away, littles baby, dere is no place for crybabies in this world."


	3. A Hole Opens, and Quickly Closes Again

In the meeting room, Count Bleck had called an Emergency Meeting for his minions. He was gathered with six sleepy faces by 4:30 that morning. O'Chunks, Mr. L, Mimi, and Dimentio were in front of him on their pedestals as always, yawning and rubbing their eyes. Nastasia beside him was stifling her own yawns, but looking professional if a bit disheveled. Tippi was a pixl and didn't actually have a face, but was still radiating her tiredness somehow. She rested on her husband's hat and flapped occasionally. Only Merlon was wide awake, clutching the Light Prognosticus to his chest. He was standing on a lower pedestal in front of Count Bleck, and casting nervous glances to the Dark Prognosticus, floating above Count Bleck's head next to the Beige Prognosticus (which was as usual doing absolute nothing.)

Mr. L yawned loudly, then said, "So, why are we here again?"

"I haven't told you yet," said Count Bleck. "According to Merlon, the worlds are in danger."

"Oh. That sucks."

"Yes, it does."

Merlon opened the Light Prognosticus and pointed the pages to the minions. "I'm afraid it's something more horrible than we could have imagined."

"Try me," said Dimentio.

"All we know right now is that somewhere, somehow, for some reason, the Void will be or has already been opened to wreak havoc, suck up worlds into nothingness, and grow to massive proportions."

"Ouch," said Mr. L.

"Verily."

Mimi gasped and put her hands to her mouth. "Ohmygosh, we gotta get Mario!"

Merlon shook his head. "It is not Mario who is prophesied to save the worlds this time, nor any of the heroes from before."

"The Four from Before have found their peace," said Tippi, quoting from the book. "They have moved onto their futures, and their help will not be needed."

"Oh, well, that's nice," said Dimentio. "Really, good for them."

"So who _is_ gonna fight?" asked Mimi.

Merlon turned the book back to his face and said, "Well... according to the book... _you_ are."

They were surprised, to say the least. Thankfully, they were speechless so Merlon took the opportunity to keep talking. "Really, there can be no one else as described in this book."

"How can you be so sure?"

"'Though they were the ones to open the destruction in the first place, now it is only them and their unusual capabilities who can stop the destruction this time.'"

"It's certainly a good thing we're the 'good guys' this time, then, isn't it?" said Dimentio idly.

Count Bleck was skimming the Dark Prognosticus. "This version has us listed by name."

"Really?" Merlon craned his neck to look around the book.

"Except for Dimentio, though. He's only described as the Mysterious Evil One." Count Bleck looked up. "It also says he's the one who's been stealing my red brooches."

Dimentio looked offended. "I have not!"

"The book doesn't lie."

"If that were true, then before this could happen you would be dead and I would be sunbathing on a beach on a pile of coins, reclined beside-" but Dimentio stopped suddenly.

"Anyway," said Count Bleck. "The time to act is now. Now is the time."

"Just like in that song," said Tippi. "Now is the Time."

"Oh, I love that song," said Merlon.

"Yeah, it's pretty catchy. Not the kind of thing you really dance to, but when it comes up on 'Shuffle All' you enjoy it."

"Oh, most certainly."

"What are you talking about?" asked Count Bleck.

"We used to listen to music together," said Tippi.

"Oh, I'd forgotten you lived with Merlon for a time." Count Bleck chuckled. "I still sort of have it set in my mind that you were dead at that time. Since that's what I thought, I mean."

"Oh, of course."

"Anyway," said Dimentio loudly, "Do either of those books say what we're actually going to do? Or must we stagger around blindly at all hours of the night until suddenly our enemies are vanquished."

Merlon turned to his book. "It says here something about you being unceremoniously yanked from your beds and thrust headfirst into an unknown dimension."

"That sounds uncomfortable," said Mr. L.

"Indeed it does."

"It's a difficult situation we're in just now," said Merlon. "The world doesn't appear to be ending today, but we have no idea how much time we do have. At this point I have nothing in this book to guide you."

"So what was the point of waking us up?" Mimi said.

"This isn't the sort of thing I thought was appropriate to leave for after breakfast," said Count Bleck. "At the very least, we need to discuss how to get you minions into battle shape as quickly as possible. There will most certainly be fighting in our future. And I also-"

All of a sudden, the world was torn in half.

A Void tore open on the floor of the meeting room with such force that the entire castle shook. Then, like it's gigantic predecessor, it began to suck.

Count Bleck was the first to go- he had been floating rather than grounded on his pedestal and had nothing to support himself.

Tippi panicked- she flew off his hat but stopped still. The Void did not pull her.

Nastasia reached out grabbed tightly to Count Bleck's white cape- she was sucked into the Void along with him.

Mr. L, Dimentio, and Mimi, being light, were sucked in right after that.

Then O'Chunks fell into the hole, and abruptly the terror stopped.

…

O'Chunks peeked through his meaty arms, crossed in front of his face. "Eh?... what 'appened?"

Merlon and Tippi were the only other two remaining. Merlon had fallen to the floor and was several feet from the hole, quite close to disappearing himself. Tippi, trembling, was now floating beside his head.

"I mean it," said O'Chunks. "What in bleatin' blazes _was_ that?" He looked down and saw that, below his torso, was the floor of the castle. No hips or legs to speak of. "Wait! Where's the rest of me?"

"It seems your girth was enough to stop up the dimensional hole," Merlon observed.

They stood there silently, those three, at a complete loss for what to do.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Mordhaus, Nathan had brought out his laptop and was showing the others how he planned to summon monsters. Ofdensen was standing on the outskirts of their party, being very disapproving. He was often disapproving of their wacky antics.

"I'm really going to have to advise against this, boys."

"Juscht ignore him," said Murderface. "Robotsch don't know how to have fun."

"Well, you know, you didn't have much fun the last time you tried to summon a monster."

"What do you mean, we never tried this before!"

"Yes you have. You summoned Mustakrakish." When he saw they weren't following, he said, "Your public apology? ...In Finland?" The band just stared blankly at him. "You, ah, wrote a new national anthem? ...Summoned a troll? Any of this ringing a bell?" They looked at each other, then back at him. "It knocked out the DSL?" That, if anything should get them.

They just sort of blinked at him. Skwisgaar turned back to his guitar, which he had never stopped playing, and said, "Nope."

"Oh, I remember!" Toki suddenly said. "And we had to play the grandpa's guitars."

"No wonder I forgets then," said Skwisgaar. "I blocks de memory of grandpa's guitars froms my mind."

"Grandpa's guitars schuck!"

"Well," said Ofdensen, "then, if you don't want to have to play acoustic instruments, I would suggest you not summon anything."

"Oh, uh..." Nathan looked up. "Okay, we won't. But I already did."

The ceiling opened up and five monsters fell out of a hole, followed by a pair of legs dangling in the air. The monsters landed in a heap on the floor.

"What is this, groaned Count Bleck..." He shook his head and looked around. Dethklok stared back at them, totally bewildered.

"Security breach in the main room," said Ofdensen. Within seconds, Klokateers swarmed in from every entrance, medieval weapons drawn, and made right for the interlopers. Trained bodyguards picked up the band and moved them to safety. Count Bleck gestured and they all got up and formed a tight circle, facing outwards. The gears closed in.

"Nastasia!" barked Count Bleck. She raised her glasses.

***GAZOOOORT***

The gears immediately stopped their charge. Simultaneously, they pumped their right fists, clutching their weapons, and called, "Hail Bleck!"

Count Bleck sighed with relief and leaned backwards. Mimi, Dimentio, and Mr. L realized they were all clinging to each other in a panic, and quickly let go, looking uncomfortably in opposite directions.

"What are you stopping for?" Ofdensen barked. He advanced threateningly on Count Bleck, but he was immediately grabbed by the arms by the two gears closest to him.

"You may not touch the Count or his minions," said one of them.

"716, let me go_ right now_."

"Our orders come from the great and wonderful Count Bleck."

"_Do you remember your training? We_ do not_ tolerate betrayal of Dethklok_."

Count Bleck stepped forward. "It's not his fault," said Count Bleck. "Nastasia's hypnotic power has brainwashed them into my service. It's quite useful for taking over the world." He looked at her. "It seems you missed one, though."

Nastasia shook her head. "No, I didn't miss. His mind... yeah, I just can't get a grip on it."

"A mind my Nastasia can't control, mused Count Bleck. Oh, well. It can't be helped."

Ofdensen spoke in a voice of barely masked rage. "I'm asking you, why have you come here?"

Count Bleck looked up at the hole he'd fallen from. O'Chunk's legs were now hanging down, occasionally kicking. In a moment, they were sucked up through the hole, and it closed. "I... really have no idea what's going on. Where have I come here, exactly?"

"What?"

"What is this place?"

"This is Mordhaus, home of Dethklok and the single most protected building in the world at this time. Entering without extensive clearance is punishable by death."

"Well, I'd like to go home," said Count Bleck, "but my ride home seems to have left without me." He pointed to the ceiling.

Ofdensen struggled, but the gears wouldn't let him go.

"Shall I kill him, Count Bleck?" asked 716.

"No, thank you," said Count Bleck. He turned to Nastasia and said idly, "They're all humans."

She nodded.

"And what are you, then?"

"I am of the Tribe of Darkness, descendant of the Ancients and keeper of the Dark Prognosticus. This is my faithful assistant Nastasia, 'she who will rise up again.'"

"I used to be a bat," said Nastasia.

"I don't care," said Ofdensen, still furious.

Count Bleck suddenly realized that the gears were still restraining Ofdensen, and he said, "Excuse me, er, gears, you called them? Count Bleck asks you to release this man."

The gears hesitated, but removed their grip from Ofdensen. He took two threatening steps forward and they grabbed him again.

"You're not a nice man," said Count Bleck. "What's your name."

"Charles Ofdensen."

"Ofdensen, then. Tell me, by any chance... would you consider this a world of chaos and evil?"

"... That's... a strange question to ask."

Count Bleck nodded. Then he turned around to the other minions, Dimentio, Mr. L, and Mimi, and said, "I think I know what's going on." He turned back to Ofdensen. "I must speak with you. It's urgent. In fact, the fate of all existence depends on. I think."

Ofdensen looked at him, sizing and judging, and finally he allowed his tense, ready to attack muscles to relax enough so that the gears would not consider him a threat, and release their grip.

"Talk to me," he said.

* * *

Meanwhile, Nathan, Murderface, and Toki were crouched by the door listening through.

"Oh, man, are you hearing this?" said Nathan. "I told you I could do it."

"Wowee." Toki looked at Nathan with admiration. "You summons us a bunch of monsters we can go pal around with!"

"Schhhhhut up!" Murderface's spit, a toxic and dangerous thing, flew out of his mouth as he shushed them. "Itch monschter versus robot in there! I don't wanna miss that!"

"Well, you can't kill robots," said Nathan. "So it's really over before it begins."

"What? You _can_, you totally can!" Murderface turned away from the door to glare at Nathan.

"No," said Nathan. "Robots are, like, completely invulnerable. They're made of metal."

"Yeah, Murderface, they's made of metal."

Murderface glared at Toki. "I can't believe you'd take his schide after everything I've done for you."

"You don'ts do nothing for me. And robots can beat monsters."

Feeling betrayed, Murderface went back to listening at the door, but now all of the voices were hushed, and they couldn't hear anything. When that happened, they just lost interest left.


	4. Forging Friendships

Count Bleck was impressed with Ofdensen's office. Not only was it as extravagant as one from any castle, but it was also impeccably kept. You could tell by the way he kept his work space that he was not a man to be messed with. Count Bleck recalled, with a bit of embarrassment, the condition of his own office back home, strewn with papers, trash, and a few chocolate bar wrappers. Most of the papers were writings for the Beige Prognosticus, abandoned and tossed aside. A man who kept his office this neat was in control.

Count Bleck stood across from Ofdensen, who was now sitting behind his enormous wooden desk, fingers tented. He looked imposing. But then, Count Bleck realized, he was used to looking imposing. "I'd like to thank you for meeting with me," said Count Bleck. "I hope you don't mind I brought my associate." He nodded to Nastasia beside him, holding her clipboard. She nodded and adjusted her glasses.

"Not at all. Thank you for allowing me the same courtesy." Ofdensen gestured to his two bodyguards, standing with him behind the desk. They had not been present for the brainwashing.

"Mr. Ofdensen, I'll be blunt. This world is about to end."

"I've known that for a while now," said Ofdensen.

"It concerns the Dark Prognosticus, an evil book of prophecies set on bringing about the end of the world. It describes how all of existence will be sucked into the Void by the power of chaos. It's happened before... and... I'm very sorry about that," Count Bleck trailed off into a mumble.

"What Count Bleck is trying to say," said Nastasia, "is that our being here is in accordance with the prophecy, and because of that we know that five people in this world are going to open the Void to bring about the End of All Worlds."

"Five in this world... you mean Dethklok?"

"What's a death clock?" asked Count Bleck.

"Dethklok. The biggest metal band on the planet?"

"It can't be them," said Count Bleck, puzzled. "I said there were only five people."

"No, I mean the most popular metal band on the planet," said Charles. "Nathan, Toki, Murderface, Skwisgaar, and Pickles."

Count Bleck counted on his gloves. "Yes, that's five all right. Tell me more about this 'Death Clock Band."

Charles sighed, and pushed a button on his desk. The lights in the office dimmed, the windows drew their shades, and a screen lowered from the ceiling. All of a sudden a projection appeared on the screen, of a white skull with horns sticking out, skin peeling away from it's eyes, and screws around his head. He bounced around the screen, speaking in a jolly voice.

"Hiya, fans, it's me! Facebones! So ya wanna know about Dethklok, do ya? Well, Dethklok is a pretty big deal around these parts! They're the biggest cultural force on the planet, with literally billions of metal fanatics as their fans. Wow! That's a lot! They're the world's seventh largest economy, so when they come to town to play, everybody wins, except for the people who die! They live in Mordhaus, a part of Mordland, and there are over a thousand people working here around the clock to keep everything running! Anyway, the most important thing ya gotta know about Dethklok is *kkkzzzkktttkkk* and *kkkzzzkktttkkktch!* So keep that in mind and you'll be a-okay! Sooo, goodbye!"

The film ended. Ofdensen pushed the button again, the screen retracted, and the room returned to normal. "So," he said, "I trust that answers all your questions?"

Count Bleck stared at him. "Er... no," he said.

"Not really," said Nastasia.

"Look, Ofdensen," said Count Bleck. "It's vitally important that you allow us to stay here. We need to be near when everything goes wrong, which it will. Already I can feel that the energy of this world is not right, that something is ready to rip a hole in the very fabric of existence."

"I see... and you have experience with this before?"

Count Bleck reached into his cape and pulled out the Dark Prognosticus. "As a matter of fact... I do."

"That really _is _the Dark Prognosticus," Charles breathed.

"You know it?" Count Bleck was surprised.

"Tell me what you know," said Charles.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the lounge, Count Bleck had left his minions behind with his new army of Klokateers. Dethklok had worked its way back into the room, and were now examining the new visitors with caution and interest.

"So..." said Mr. L. "Um... who are you?"

"Dood," said Pickles. "We're Dethklok, duh. How have you not heard of us?"

"We're not from around here," said Mr. L.

"Well, I thought we was pretty populars," said Toki. "Where you from?"

"I don't know about these two. I'm from the Mushroom Kingdom."

Pickles laughed. "Oh, dood, awesome. You must be wasted, like, constantly then."

"No, no," said Mr. L. "Just my talents." Sigh.

"What?"

"I'm Mr. L, the Green Thunder." He posed for effect. "Schween!"

"I'm Mimi," said Mimi with a giggle, "but you can call me Mimikins if you like."

"Pass," said Nathan. Mimi looked offended. "What about this thing. With the purple." Nathan indicated Dimentio. "What is this thing?"

"My name," said Dimentio impatiently, "is Dimentio. I am the Master of Dimentions, Pleaser of Crowds, Charming Magician, the Dark Prognosticus's choice to fulfill the prophecy."

"Lame," said Nathan.

Dimentio sucked in his breath. "I do not like these men," he said. "They make my stomach churn, as if I drank gallons of spoiled, aged milk."

"Thatch not so bad onche you get usched to it," said Murderface.

"Dood," said Pickles, "I once waited outside the bathroom while you were in there with that. Yes it is that bad."

"A toilet joke," said Dimentio. "Charming."

"Uhh..." Nathan stammered, "What do you, like, guys, like... do?"

"We work for the Count," said Mimi happily.

"You may have seen him earlier," said Dimentio, "A classy fellow in a white top hat and a monocle."

"What does he have you do?" asked Nathan. "Like, lay waste to lands? Destroy cities? Bring the populace to its knees?" His eyes widened a little. "Whoa. These are good song lyrics. Where's my notebook?" He fished around in his pockets for his notebook or recorder. "Idea for a song. Monsters lay waste to a... uh, the things I said."

"We don't do that," said Mr. L. "On purpose."

"We make the world a better place through the power of love and friendship!" Mimi said happily.

The band just stared at her. Then, their displeasure was expressed.

"Oh, man."

"Lame."

"Super (riff)ing lame."

"Nice going, Nathan," said Pickles.

"Ja, nice goings," Skwisgaar grumbled. "Cant's even summons a good demon."

"Thisch one ischn't even a monschter!" Murderface shouted, getting spit all over Mr. L. "He'sch juscht schome dildo in a maschk!"

Mr. L wiped the spit off of his face with his glove.

"Dat's okay," said Toki. "I aint's a monster neither. We can still be pals, though." He shifted uncomfortably. "Only sometimes my friends has the tend-ensky to die."

"Dude, you know what you should do?" said Nathan. "You get really close to him, be his best friend. That'd be awesome."

"Oh, yeah, that'll be funny."

"Why are you being so mean to that guy?" asked Mr. L.

"Because I don't want to die!" said Pickles.

"If I ever die," said Murderface, "It'll be on my termsch."

"I've been alive for thousands of years," said Dimentio. "I don't intend for that to change anytime soon, myself."

"Ja, me too," said Skwisgaar.

"Yeah," said Mimi. "By all accounts, he totally should have been killed back when we fought him as Super Dimentio..." she shifted her gaze over to Dimentio. "Why aren't you dead, anyway?"

Dimentio made a curtsy to her with his poncho. "That," he said, "Much like the contents of Mimi's latest diary entry-"

"Hey!"

"is a story best left for another time."

Mimi glared at him. "Oh, that's it!" She cracked her neck until her head swung upside down, her spider legs exploded out of her, and she cried out, "MIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMI!" She fired rubees out of her head, chasing Dimentio around the room.

"Oh dude!"

"Awesome!"

"It's like she just cracked her neck and a spider exploded out!"

Nathan began to write furiously in his notebook. "Idea for a song. Broken neck spider explosion thing. A guy breaks his neck and spiders explode out."

Mimi bonked her head on one of the TVs, fell down and changed back into her regular form. "Oww!" she cried, rubbing a red welt on her head. "Stupid dummy TV!"

Dimentio was clinging to a torch fixture on the ceiling. When she changed back, he hopped off and floated back down to the ground lazily. "Yes, she's a shapeshifter."

"Oh, awesome!" said Nathan. "You know what that means, right?"

"No," said Toki.

"It means, like, you can have any girl you want."

"We can already have any girl we want," said Pickles. "We're Dethklok."

"Ja, I's already gottens every girl," said Skwisgaar.

"Yeah, but, like, you find the hottest girl in the world, it can't get any better, right? Then, bam, twins."

Mimi's eyes bugged out and she pulled her pigtails down over her ears. "I don't need to hear these things!" she squealed. "They're corrupting my youthful innocence!" Mimi scampered off to the other side of the room.

"No, come back, baby!" Murderface went after her.

Dimentio scowled. "All right, you need to go away now." He clicked his fingers and Murderface disappeared.

"Hey? Where's Murderface?"

"I sent him away to cool off for a while," said Dimentio. "He's safely in Dimension D, a dimension of my own creation."

"Oh," said Nathan. "What's it like there? Like, fire? Blackness? Death?"

"No... it's very green. And square."

Nathan frowned. "That's not a very good song."

"No, I suppose it isn't."

The door to the lounge opened. Ofdensen stepped in, followed closely by the Count and Nastasia. The Count tipped his hat to his minions. Ofdensen cleared his throat. "I need your attention now."

"Go away, we're busy."

"Yeah, we's playin' with our new pals!" Toki said happily.

"I've been speaking with their leader, ah, Count... Bleck..." and his pronunciation of the word was something of sarcasm mixed with amusement. "And Nastasia, and they've informed me of some very important business they have here at Mordhaus. For the time being, they and their, ah, minions-"

"Oh! Minions!" Nathan said. "I love that word!" He held up his notebook and wrote one word: minions.

Ofdensen paused to let Nathan talk, and picked up right where he left off. "- will be staying on the premise for the time being."

"Hurray!" Toki cheered excitedly.

"Hurray," said Mimi flatly. She was much less excited.

"So if you all will... where's William?"

"He's in Dimension D," said Dimentio. "A Dimension of my own creation."

"Duh," said Nathan.

"Hm. Well, could you bring him back?"

"Do you want him back?" asked Dimentio skeptically.

Ofdensen paused. "Could you bring him back?" he asked again.

Dimentio sighed. "Very well." He snapped his fingers and Murderface appeared, still covered in Sharpie drawings but now no longer wearing any pants.

Murderface just stood there, eyes popped out. "Where. The (riff). Was I?"

"You were in Dimension D, stupid," said Nathan.

"Where the riff are your pants?" asked Dimentio, staring at Murderface's bruised, knobby wang with horror. Count Bleck covered Mimi's eyes.

"Where the (riff) is Dimenschion D?"

"No, I'm serious," said Dimentio. "There is no reason this man should be without pants."

"You have no idea what I had to do to schurvive there," said Murderface darkly.

"You were there less for five minutes!" Dimentio cried.

"Time passches slower on the inschide..."

Dimentio disappeared for a moment, and then reappeared with a look of absolute horror. "What did you do to my beautiful dimension!" he wailed.

"That'sch what you get for schendin' people to schtupid green square landsch."

"You're a monster!"

"Murderface," said Nathan, "You know the rule. You have to wear pants."

"What isch it? Pick on Murderfache day?"

"Ja," said Skwisgaar. "Every day is Pick on Murderface day."

"Well, I didn't know that!"

"Well, now you do."

"Yeah, I guessch for future reference, I do!"

"My beautiful dimension..." Dimentio was sitting on the ground, hugging his knees, and moaning.

"Guys," said Ofdensen, "Can I have your attention for five minutes?"

"Probably not," said Nathan, "but we can try. But, you know."

"Look, they're going to be staying here, try to stay out of their way, and you guys," he said to the minions, "they have a lot of recording they should be doing-"

"Oh, here we go," muttered Nathan.

"So you two just... keep on as if everything is the same."

Toki squeezed Mr. L around the neck with one arm. "But I gets to keep my new pal, right?" Mr. L struggled a little.

"Well, Toki, that's really up to him."

"Count Bleck orders it," said Count Bleck. "Mr. L. Play with Toki."

"Uh... okay."

Ofdensen continued. "And, everyone, stay away from Dimentio."

"Trust us on this one," added Nastasia.

"That goes for you two, too," said Count Bleck to Mimi and Mr. L.

"Ugh, you don't need to remind us," said Mimi.


End file.
